Five Years
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: 5 years is a long time, but memories still remain. Just a memorial fic from Halle and Matsuda's perspective for the anniversary of the January 2010 events. Chapter 1 - Halle, Chapter 2 - Matsuda.
1. January 26th 2015

**Author's Note:** Like the summary says, just a memorial after 5 years of Mello, Matt and Light's deaths. Halle and Matsuda are the respective main characters here, so they each have their part for the people who were important to them.

Halle's part takes some references from my _Mello's Life_ fanfic, but it can be perfectly understandable without it. I was going to make this a single chapter but it's late and I can't finish, so I'll have to post Matsuda's part as a second chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. The characters of Thomas and Amie in here are my invention.

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_January 26th, 2015_

Halle Bullook heard the familiar ruffling that told her a certain little lady had decided to sit up on her bed and was now turning around from side to side in some personal play. She opened the door and pretended to sternly cross her arms over her chest.

"What did I tell you, Amie? It's too late, you need to sleep!"

The 2 year old baby turned her head from inside the crib with a downright adorable smile, her huge brown eyes sparkling from the light that entered the room now that Halle had opened the door. The baby lamp sent stars spinning slowly through the walls, but Amie didn't pay them as half the attention as she should.

"Come on, I'll read you some more and that's it, you go to sleep right away, yes?"

Amie gave a big reply in the adorable personal form of language babies had, but not even after two more book pages, she was soundlessly sleeping after the long day they had. Halle brushed some of the light blonde hairs away from her face and kissed her daughter on the forehead before existing and leaving some inches of the door opened.

Her husband in everything but on paper was expecting her on the kitchen, smiling when she returned.

"How much did you have to read for her to fall asleep?" Thomas asked, bitting a snack that would be his supper.

"Two pages in and she was out," Halle replied with a sigh, sitting down on the other side of the table. "Which makes it a total of sixteen pages now. I swear she takes after me on that. The more tired I am, the less I can sleep."

"It is kind of impressive how tired you can get from just walking around all day."

"Just? I don't want to go through another day like this. Shopping with you two is a nightmare!"

"But at least we'll just have to go for a trip when we vist my mother next month, right?"

Halle looked at the callendar hanging on the kitchen wall and sighed. January 26th, Amie would have a party in the kindergarden just two days later, and then the six month check up in the first of February.

January 26th.

It hit her so suddenly that she felt dizzy. January 26th. Today was the 26th and she had simply not noticed it.

"Hal? Are you listening to me?"

Halle jolted up, realizing Thomas had been talking and she hadn't heard a single word.

"Is anything wrong? You look worried."

"This day, I..." her mouth was so dry it made the words hard to come out, and she didn't realize how thankful she was for that until the sounds actually passed through her lips. As they did, the weight of the words crushed her and she felt physically sick. "I forgot."

_I forgot. How could I forget...?_

"What? Did you have a work appointment?" Thomas asked, oblivious to the motive of her shock.

"No, no I... this day is important. I once knew two boys who died on this day."

Thomas's mouth opened as if to say something, but then closed in a silent acknowledgement. Halle stood up and walked to the counter, not sure what she was looking for there.

She _never_... this had never happened. It was a recollection moment, every year, she would wake up on this day and the memories would return. It never started with their death; it never started with the sight of a body of a teenager pierced by so many bullets beyond count, it never started with the hell that came from the abandonned church and consumed everything and everyone inside. It never started with the shock and the downright anger that the faux protection of that location forlorned Mello in the end as well and allowed his life to be erased with a swift pen stroke and his body to be burned to cinder.

She would remember how Matt appeared to be such kind young man - or rather, boy - with such a worry over his childhood friend it was enviable when compared to other teenagers his age. Such a thin frame, with that fire colored locks and huge goggles. He was adorable even, when he slept in a curled fetal position like a cat on her carpet, refusing to leave her couch's side where Mello slept in. He would not have been the type of friend she would have had in high school or college, escaping to his refuge of videogames and hiding his extreme intelect as much as he hid his blue eyes, but she felt a huge empathy for the boy in the days he lived in her apartment when both nursed Mello after the explosion.

And Mello... the first thing she would remember on this day was not an actual scene but a feeling. A sense of comfort that allowed her to smile even when having proof Mello was dangerous. She remembered how inspite of everything he had done and how he was supposed to be an adversary to Near, she would look at him and feel a strange sense of protectiveness of him, for he somehow reminded her of a child, a mixture of a spoiled brat and of a broken war child. She remembered how conflicted she felt for that, since she knew Mello wasn't an actual child and threatened her several times after killing many of her coworkers. She remembered the frustration, the anger and the desperation she saw and heard on Mello just the day before he took all that emotion and made his final attempt to beat Near in that sick version of a game both ultimately saw their lives as. In a way, she loved Mello and she knew it, but no words were ever said from neither side. They didn't felt like they needed to be.

It was a respectful recollection, a painful day that slowly turned into bittersweetness as the years passed by. And today, nothing had happened. She didn't pay them the respect they needed, the remembrance they deserved. She simply lived her life as if they hadn't existed.

How could that be?

"I can't believe I forgot."

"Hey," Thomas approached and kissed her on the shoulder. "Don't feel so bad. This doesn't mean you've forgotten them, just that you've... moved on."

The horrible knot in her gut didn't diminish in the slightest.

"Then why do I feel so awful?"

"You feel like you've let them down, don't you?"

"Let them down? I guess you can say that, but it sounds so... it's worse than that. I can't believe I forgot."

"Were they collegues of yours back from the Kira Case? Oh, you did say boys, I'm sorry..."

Halle had never talked about Mello to her husband. Everyone who fought against Kira had to erase their existeances from the world, Wammy's children more than anyone else. Halle now had a family and a clear existence, an existence she had never completely abandoned during the Kira Case, but others were lost in anonymity and she hadn't brought them back.

_Why?_, she wondered to herself. Maybe she wanted to save those precious moments all for her, maybe she feared she'd lose them if she shared them with someone else. Maybe she never considered any of it before.

"No... they weren't collegues, but we were all involved in the Kira Case. They were both killed because of Kira. I had them in my apartment when Mello was injured. We all knew our lives were in danger, it was a risk every single one of us was willing to take - even Kira himself knew that. But when they died... I wasn't ready. They shouldn't have died."

"What was the other boy called?"

"Matt. Mello and Matt. I never even knew their real names."

Thomas kissed her again, this time on the head.

"I'm so glad you helped bring that monster Kira to justice." He then held her close. "I know you're hurt for thinking you've forgotten the date, but Hal, you didn't. Mello and Matt, and the other people who certainly gave their lives for their jobs, they gave us this future. Mello, he gave you the chance to live a life so much you were able to get immersed and enjoy it."

"And forget them?"

"I'd say, remembering them so much in your heart that you aren't even noticing it anymore. They are simply a part of you now and you don't need a date to bring them back."

Halle listened the words and though she feared their good intention wouldn't be able to reach her, it actually did have an impact on her. The knot in her gut seemed slightly better and she felt she could breathe more easily.

Near didn't call for her like it happened frequently, even when it was her night off, but the expectation of going to the headquarters made her think. Did Near remember it too? Of course he did, this was _Near_ she was talking about. But he would never talk about it with her or anyone else. Maybe only Rester would be close enough for the genius young man to talk about something rather than case investigations.

She had to wonder if Near feared he'd lose his memories too, if he talked about it out loud. In the end, maybe both reactions had the same result, as neither would ever abandon such important people.

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**Author's Note:** I posted the final chapter of Mello's Life fanfic on January 28th 2010, 14:20 - around the time Light dies in the manga. Without realizing, I started the draft of this fanfic at January 28th 2015, 14:20  
This is when I say this outloud laughing my mind off: holy shit

I wrote a fic on Near's side of these circumstances - called **Remembrance**

**Thanks for reading **hope you can leave a review


	2. January 28th 2015

**Author's Note:** Took me longer to update than I thought. Yay. I apologize for the typos in the other chapter.

Thank you **shinydragonmist** for reading and reviewing, (and thanks to any eventual readers) and sorry for the wait. I was only able to do this today.

Disclaimer: Same as ever. Don't own Death Note.

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_January 28th, 2015_

It was chilly when he stepped outside. The air threatened to rain, and each breath left a thick cloud of smoke in front of his eyes. As he tried to get his scarf properly snuggled around his neck and chin, Matsuda let out a sigh that turned him into a makeshift dragon for a little boy passing by to laugh at. Matsuda's lips had to curl into the smallest of smiles in face of the child's enthusiasm, but after that he felt the small happiness drain away again.

He looked up to the sky as he searched his pockets for his cellphone. Not today, he couldn't do this today. He felt bad for calling on the very day but he had to do it; he couldn't face his former taskforce collegues.

It took some seconds for Aizawa to pick up the phone.

"Matsuda? Why are you calling to this line?"

"Hey, Aizawa," After five years, it still felt strange to adress Aizawa simply by his name when he was the Chief. They had all come from such long back it was slightly awkward to think they had lived through so much with their boss. And Aizawa was Aizawa all the same. "I'm sorry for asking this just now... but can I have the day off?"

There was a pause that left Matsuda embarrassed and he tried to elaborate: "I, uh, I'm sorry but I feel..."

"You can have the day," Aizawa interrupted. Matsuda nodded for his understanding, even though he knew Aizawa couldn't see him. "But you know you're not going through this alone. You don't need to go through this alone."

"Thank you, Aizawa," _but it's different for you guys._ Mogi once told him he remembered that day frequently, even admitted the sound of screams still branded his mind and would sometimes return for no apparent reason. But it was different.

_Thank you Aizawa, for your understanding. Thank you Mogi, for sharing your pain to lessen mine. Ide too, for listening to me. But you weren't the ones who pulled the trigger._

He faced the cold air on the way to his car and there was a sense of relief and comfort to be engolfed in a lukewarm shell. Still, it didn't change his resolve. For five years, he had avoided facing the truth of his actions; he tried to find different explanations for that outcome, blaming Near on the way too - it seemed easier. Being L or not, Matsuda couldn't help his suspitions about the white haired boy all the same. But there was one undeniable truth that he couldn't run away from, no matter how much he tried to look the other way and smile like he used to before.

He killed Light. When the Shinigami wrote the name down, Light was already dying either way, and Matsuda was the one responsable.

There was no lukewarm shell that could keep that cold out. Matsuda almost sighed again, but it was enough. He started the engine with a firm twist of the carkey and focused on his resolve alone. _I have to do this._ He then drove his way to a place he had avoided for five years.

Matsuda arrived at his destination with what seemed an unreal ease, and found himself looking at the field in front of him without being able to have clear thoughts in his mind. He hadn't been in a cemetery since the Chief's funeral, and Ryuzaki's secret funeral before that. That had been... a decade ago? He didn't miss it the slightest.

So much changed. So much changed with Ryuzaki's death, and so much changed after the Chief's death.

The cemetery was well taken care of, each memorial stone clearly looked after and fresh flowers here and there, like casually dropped splashes of color in a monochromatic background. But with the heavy grey cloak over the sky, everything looked drained out and suspended in uneasiness. It left a physical discomfort and no matter how much he tried to keep his coat and scarf away from the wind's hands, the cold remained the same.

He knew where the Chief was, so he knew what direction to take. He kept following the paths surrounded by memorials without looking much past his own feet, focusing on keeping them moving one after the other instead of distracting himself and losing the will to move foward. Because of that, he wasn't completely aware of his surroundings, otherwise he could have stopped far enough from his destination to be unoticed, with the feeling of frozen surprise holding him in place. Instead, when he looked up he felt that surprise strike him like a punch to the gut and he was too close to run away.

_I should have known. I'm so stupid!_

There were two familiar women kneeling in front of a family memorial stone. They seemed surprised for seeing him, but Yagami Sachiko's feint smile was welcoming.

"Oh, Matsuda-san," Sachiko greeted, recognizing him from afar. "Matsuda-san, come close. It's been so long."

A cold knot in his throat seemed to block all air from reaching his lungs, freezing him in place. He couldn't possibly turn around and ignore them, but his feet seemed to weight a ton and worse than that was the pit in his stomach. He couldn't move foward.

_How can I face them, knowing I'm the cause of their grief?_

"Matsuda-san," it was Sayu who called him out this time. She seemed so older from what he remembered her, and from her actual age. It wasn't the first time he'd spend years without seeing the younger girl, but the last time it had been such a wonderful surprise to reunite with her and see the little middle school girl had turned into a beautiful young woman. It had been on Chief Yagami's home, what seemed like a lifetime ago, but it had been only six years before. Everyone was together, the Chief, his wife Sachiko, Light, Misa-Misa... then Sayu joined too, smiling and happy.

That moment in time seemed now unreal, like a warning for the impending doom. Matsuda realized it had been the last true happy moment they had shared, and it lasted but a few minutes. Director Takimura's kidnapping news came that very day and was but the first of the chain of events that ended that ephemeral moment and changed the lives of so many people. Mello and Near's respective uprisingings followed with Sayu's kidnapping, evolving and culminating on the November 11th events that brought Chief Yagami's death and more pain to everyone... but it was Light who caused it. The one who cried and screamed over his father's corpse had been the one to brought that fate to him.

Light had been the one to cry and scream in that warehouse. Why did it have to end like that? How could he have done so much, decieving so many people? Sometimes it was still hard to accept it, how the same person these two women loved and cared could be a worldwide mass murderer who would kill any and everyone to continue on his path. But the cold always reminded him of the ugly truth.

No one involved the happy moment on the Summer of 2009 remained the same.

"I'm grateful for you coming here today, Matsuda-san," Sachiko said, managing to pierce through the stream of thoughts that had taken over him. "It's been five years now. It's unbelievable how time flies, and yet I miss him so much. I miss them so much."

Matsuda's lips parted, but no words managed to come out. What could he say? What could he possibly have the right to say? These two women he knew for so long had to mourn because of what he had done. He was the source of their grief. The weight of that realization, of being face to face with the direct victims of his actions, seemed to crush him down and he didn't know what to do.

But what could he have done? When in face of the truth, the horrible and painful truth only the people in the Yellow Box warehouse on January 28th 2010 faced, what could he have done differently? Was he really the one to blame for this?

If he had asked Sachiko and Sayu for a moment, he didn't even remember, for he wouldn't even know how to speak in this situation. But he found himself alone in front of the memorial stone with Light's name engraved, and he suddenly couldn't worry about anything else, the blockage of pain and shame finally erased from his mind.

"How could you do this, Light?" he was speaking out loud; he needed to hear those words, he _needed_ the words to be heard to get a reply. "How could you bring so much pain to your mother, to your sister? And Misa-Misa? And Ryuzaki... Ryuzaki was your friend! But it was all a lie, and you killed him. You _held_ him in arms, Light. How could you.. And your father? How could you do what you did to him? You would have killed him, wouldn't you? You insisted that Mello's name needed to be written down, would you have killed your own father after that?"

He raised his hand and pushed his fingers into the carving of the kanji of _tsuki, Light_, as if he could manage to reach something or someone from doing that.

"You would have killed Near's team for standing in your way. You would even have killed Mikami eventually, the same way you killed Takada, just to get rid of the evidence. You would have killed everyone on the taskforce, who worked side by side with you for years... it was all a lie. How could you live like that, not carrying for anyone's suffering? Light! How could you do this to me?"

_How could _I_ bring the pain of his loss to these people?_

"No!" he faced his own thoughts, shutting his eyes as he felt the tears he held back for so long. "No, _you_ brought that pain, you caused all this suffering. You were responsible for what happened in the Yellow Box warehouse. You should be the one to face your mother and your sister and see the pain you've caused them! You should be here to see the pain you've caused _me_! I believed in you all those years. You were my friend, Light. But I was just a fool to you, wasn't I?"

Matsuda sniffed unvoluntarily. He needed answers, he needed some sort of explanation for all that evil... all the evil Light's good intentions brought.

"I believed in Kira, Light. To some extent, I couldn't disagree with Kira's views - your views. But I can't agree with any of it, not even with the good intentions you had in the beginning, when I see who you really were, what you really did. How could you cause all this suffering? Do you hear me? How?!"

There was no reply. No answer he needed.

His fingers tried to carve the stone, but there was nothing he could do anymore to get answers. The one he considered his friend, who he admired and respected, whom ruined all that with the horrible lies, whom he ultimately brought to his death, was gone forever along the thousands of his victims. There was nothing left but that pain and the memories.

"How could you do that to yourself, Light?"

**~おわり****~  
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**Thank you for reading,** hope you can drop a review.


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